My story isn’t that different from anyone else’s. My need for self-empowerment and growth stemmed from being sick and tired of a hand-me-down life.
What’s a hand-me-down life?
It’s sort of like an old sweater passed down to you from an older relative or sibling—a hand-me-down. This sweater is stretched out of shape and unflattering.
It’s filled with lint balls and loose threads. It wasn’t originally intended for you, but you make do with it anyway. Trying to make it fit, while all along wishing for something new. You wear it by default, instead of by design.
If you’ve fallen into a hand-me-down life that wasn’t designed for you, you’re not alone. Our circumstances sometimes throw us off into directions we’ve never intended to go. We involve ourselves in careers, activities, friendships, and marriages that doesn’t necessarily fit who we are (or worse, doesn’t fit who we’ve become), yet we stay in them by default. Too afraid to change. Not sure how to redesign. But that’s exactly what has to happen—a redesign. Otherwise we’ll stay stuck in that ratty old sweater. The lint balls will suffocate us and the loose threads will entangle us.
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For me, my redesign came when I first cracked opened a powerful resource book several years ago called “You’ll See it When You Believe it,” by Dr. Wayne Dyer. This opened up a whole new perspective for me and sent me feasting on all the knowledge I could get my hands on that would empower me to design a life that fits who I am now.
I burned that hand-me-down sweater. Made some changes in my career and in my marriage. Said, “no” to activities that no longer suited me. Got rid of hindering friendships, gained uplifting and supportive ones, and held on to the good friends already rooted. I’ve renewed my commitment to my inner spirit, and recharged my faith.
Phew! It’s exhausting and a constant daily struggle, but the point of the matter is this; I’ve decided to take part in the design of my life instead of letting my life be handed down to me by default.
Yes, some things are out of our control, but all the other things are open for design.
I want so much to be inspired and latch on to this. Fear? Maybe– but so much hinges on my decision, including the life of my children. You’re so right about a hand-me-down life though. Ugh– not sure how to shrug it off without hurting others.
Julie, that’s why they call it growing pains. It’s not an easy process, but a necessary one if you’re suffocating. I always keep reminding myself not to die before I die. Not to be a Zombie walking through my life. I think a living death is far worse than an actual death. Anything worth having always comes with a price. Weigh your options, rely heavily on God, and go from there.
Once again Demetria you have us thinking about our life. Part of me doesn’t want to call it a “hand me down life”. I called it “Making it the Best I Know How Life.” Everyday I want to break out and run for the front door of my job and never look back. But responsiblity won’t let me. It doesn’t help I don’t know which way to go once I get outside that door. But everyday I am trying to redesign my life. Truly exhausting.
Sharon, “Making it the Best I Know How” life, is the same as that hand-me-down sweater. We try our best to make it fit, make it look presentable, make our life work, but we know full well it doesn’t and something’s gotta give. You’ve already made that conclusion of something’s gotta give, so good for you.
Also I think you’re doing remarkably well with the cards you’ve been dealt, but I’m extremely happy you’re in redesign mode. You’re changing your story and that’s wonderful. Also I hear you when you say you don’t know which way to go once you get outside that door. But I believe you do, you’re just afraid to jump off that ledge and fly. God gives us wings to fly, girlfriend. Jump.
Demetria, I really loved how you compared an old sweater to life. It made me think about things in my life I know I need to change but, as you stated, you stick to the same old, same old just because it’s been handed to you by default. Like Julie noted in her comment, I also have two little ones to think about and worry about how things affect them. I give you kudos for being able to toss that sweater.
Melissa, I completely understand about how our decisions affect our children. Which makes our redesign process very iffy because its extremely important to do what’s best for them.
But suffocating ourselves isn’t best for them. It actually creates unhealthy patterns they too may pick up and repeat in their own lives. As I said to Julie, weigh your options, and rely heavily on God for guidance and direction.
What a perfect metaphor. Thank you for this post, Demetria. I lived a hand me down life for a very long time. It was the path of least resistance, but it never felt comfortable.
Though it wasn’t what I wanted for myself, it was familiar and what everyone in my life at the time expected of me. Going in a different direction is hard and it means making other people, people we care about very much, unhappy. Still, nothing worth doing comes easy.
Oh I love that, Roxanne–the path of least resistance. That’s exactly what it is. And that’s exactly how we so easily fall into our life by default.
But it doesn’t feel good, and eventually we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. That’s when the redesign comes.
Oh wow- D , this blog speaks to me in more ways than you know. I’ve made chicken salad out of chicken shit my whole life. I am not sure I even know how to do anything else. Heck,I have made a literal career out of, LOL. I have spent so many years thinking that was my job/ my purpose in life: chicken-sald-out-of chicken-shit-maker, not even with a capital “C”. But like you say, I have had inner awakenings and have spent the last five to ten years finding my way back to “me” and designing a life that I want. I love, Love, LOVE this blog. Great job, my friend!
Goodness! I thought I subscribed to new posts, but I saw on my blogroll just a few minutes ago that you had something new.
Excellent topic. You always give your readers something to think about, and if considered deeply enough, it can be life-changing.
Hand-me-down life, Path of Least Resistance…both wonderful metaphors for being trapped in the rut of unfulfilled dreams and not knowing how to get out.
We live in a world that we accept. Stepping outside that – getting out of that rut, facing risk and veering off the Easy Path, giving the sweater to Goodwill – can be quite difficult.
We sit in it because it provides us something, it meets a need, otherwise, we wouldn’t be in it. That met need is a Pro…and there are probably more that just that one Pro. So we have a few things collected in our Pro list.
We put up with things…we make compromises. That’s life Those concessions are Cons. These are needs that are not being met. And so the Con list is created.
So we live in a world of our own creation of Pros and Cons, where we’ll stay, for the most part, as long as the Pros outweigh the Cons.
In our growth as people, these will change, our beliefs will mature, and self-actualization will take place. We come into our being and desires change. There may now be more Cons.
When the Cons outweigh the Pros is when we reconsider the situation. When all it seems to be is Cons is when we’ll change. But alas…some people never get out of that rut.
I’ve got a pillow that I looked at the other day and have been thinking about writing a Sunday Inspiration about it….A lady gave it to me when I was talking about writing YA years ago:
“The best way to predict the future is to create it.”
See? Like I said, you always give your readers something juicy to chew on. Sorry so long-winded! :o)
OMG, Susan, I can’t stop laughing. I mean, literally as I type this I’m cracking up. That whole “Chicken Salad” thing is SO FREAKIN’ HILARIOUS!!!!
I’ve heard the “make lemons out of lemonade” metaphor but NEVER have I heard the Chicken Salad one. I am definitely going to use that from now on in life! It’s way better than the lemonade one.
Okay, you have just made my day! 🙂 I love when that happens. When I receive unexpected bouts of laughter.
I love the responses I get from this blog. The community here inspires me, uplifts me, and cracks me up!
M.L., giving the sweater to Goodwill instead of burning it is the more charitable thing to do. Love that analogy. Although, when I’m angry I prefer to BURN stuff. Stuck in misery makes me angry. Hide the matches. 🙂
You’ve reminded me of some EXCELLENT points on this topic. Thank you for bringing them to the forefront. The Pro & Con dilemna is an excellent point.
I like how you constructed the analogy of this situation. And how it’s not until the balance shifts from pros & cons to ALL cons that we jump ship…take action…redesign.
And as for the pillow talk: “The best way to predict the future is to create it.” Fabulous! That is so true on so many levels.
BTW, thanks for adding me to your blog roll. I don’t think I ever thanked you.
Although most days are good now that I have settled in my job, I still have days when I wonder “why I’m still in this place?” However, I do realize only I can make the change to break free of my hand me down life.
I hear ya, Starla. Some days I wonder about a whole lotta stuff in life. But as long as I continue pressing on to create the changes I want to see in my life, I’m good.
Keep rollin’ with the punches, my sister.
I love this! What a beautiful metaphor Demetria! And it definitely has me thinking. Recent circumstances have given me a bit of a hand me down life. But I am ready for a new sweater. (And I think it should be cashmere!)
Charlene, I hear ya, I prefer cashmere too. Unfortunately, it’s so inevitable we run into circumstances that make us put on our hand-me-down sweaters, and try to grin and bear it. Hopefully you won’t have to grin too long.