I’ve found myself in a holding pattern and trying to be still. Trying to listen for my next steps. Trying to blot out all the white noise and chaos so I can hear what I’m supposed to do.
But it’s so hard to hear over the loud, raging emotions spewing from inside me. Emotions that are tied to many, many years of the same old behavior and issues from the same old people. And now after many, many years of unnecessary drama, I’ve come to a close. I’m done.
The question now is, “Where do you go from here?”
Oh, I know exactly where. I know exactly what I want and need to do, but those actions may be out of line with my purpose. Those actions are possibly out of line with God’s grace. And the worst place I never want to be is where God isn’t. Sounds like an oxymoron, considering God is everywhere.
But I won’t go there and get all spiritual on you. So let’s just say sometimes we do things we shouldn’t do, only to end up worse off than we were. I don’t want to be worse off. So I’m holding off. Trying to align my human self with my spiritual self and operate from that space instead of the space of raging, negative emotions.
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Which brings me to where I am. On hold. Silent. Listening for my next steps.
And my question to you is, when you find yourself in a holding pattern, how long are you able to hold before you shatter and break?
(Note to self: Thank God NaNoWriMo starts next week. It’ll be a much needed distraction.)
Photo by Marcus 74id
An intriguing post D- and since I need a little break from my project I am immersed in, lemme see what i think…
One word that catches my attention in your blog is the word “supposed” as in “supposed to do” .Since I am not clear on exactly what you are speaking about- I may be way off base- so disregard if the shoe doesn’t fit. Sometimes those old patterns leave us feeling like we need to act in a certain way… both from what we feel like we can do and what others expect/ will tolerate for us to do…
For me, it is the most natural thing to “build that wall” and not confront others when I am angry or hit behavioral patterns with folks that don’t work. I don’t think wall building comes from God- although I think it is often wise to think / meditate before you speak… If I can reach a point where I can speak in grace- which for me, means holding on to my ground/ my Truth/ having clear boundaries/ not atacking/ being respectful of others- that is when I can best address concerns that come up. Of course, as humans- we have to get past that anger or deep emotion first. God helps us with that too- when I really pray about it- or if I can see my own faults too- it helps me tolerate others faults better. But this is my commentary- not what you asked…
To answer YOUR question…I am a strong Southern woman- a Scarlet o’Hara type- LOL , I can hold a rrrrreaally long time, but I find that it eventually eats its way through, ( as it did her) eating you from the inside out. I am trying to become less of a holder-on of such things, as it is very burdensome. 🙂 The older I get, the more I am convinced God did not intend for me to be a door mat. ESPECIALLY- for selfish, lazy people who are trying to use me in un Godly ways… I think being a door mat comes from not loving oneself properly.
I am trying to be better at just turning my troubles over to God. Because I think I can handle so much- I take on the weight of the world. And it is just too heavy…
Back to work for me…Sorry for the rambling.
Wow!! Susan, first of all finally you’ve started adding your site link to your name. It’s about time. Secondly, I COMPLETELY understand needing a break from work and unleashing your thoughts here. I’m glad to be of service.
The stand out part of your comment for me is where you said you can hold for a long time but it eventually eats its way through–eating you from the inside out. I can totally relate to that. Sometimes I feel I’m being eaten alive. Thanks, Susan, for sharing your thoughts. Oh, and one more thing; you’re right, God never intended you or anyone else to be a doormat. I’m glad you’re taking a stand and not allowing your kindness to be mistaken as weakness.
Wow!! Once again Demetria a very deep subject. And you know how I love deep subjects:)
Well, first of all I have been asking myself for years “where do I go from here”. I have prayed and tried to be still. And like you said all those emotions and different things just eat at you.
But recently I have learned to turn everything over to God and let him guide me. Because He truly knows what is Best. He does not give us more then we can handle. And you know I have handled alot in my life. But, I am still Standing! And I will continue to get through by His Grace. So when I feel like I am about to break. I think of how He knows what is best and let Him work it out. JUST STAND!!!!!!
Sharon, you and I have delved into plenty of deep conversations, so I’m fully aware of your love of the deep. And you hit the nail on the head with JUST STAND! In the words of Donnie McClurkin, “Don’t you bow, don’t you bend, don’t give up, and don’t give in. You just stand.” But lordy, lordy, lordy, sometimes I want to just throw in the towel and call it a wrap. I appreciate your comments, Ms. Powell, thanks for sharing.
Oh D, I so need to get into a holding pattern. Actually, I think a lot of folks need to. I too pray that it is revealed to me what I should be doing, I still feel “passionless”. But we all need to slow our roll and just listen for our next steps, as you said. Also as you said, it is soooo hard to do!
Btw….wishing you the absolute very best in your write-a-thon. Smooches!!
Starla, when we’re consumed with our own plans, agendas, and emotions we’re unable to hear what’s really best for us. And even though you feel passionless, there is passion and purpose inside waiting for you to discover and nurture it. We all have it. Also, thanks much for the write-a-thon well wishes. I so need it.